Love and smoochies, Return to Sender, and more
by incurelf
Summary: A collection of letters written by various people in ME. Aragorn & Arwen, Gimli & Gloin, etc. Chapter 14 is up...presenting the DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY OF GONDOR...
1. Arwen and Aragorn

I have just come up with an idea for yet another parody. Someone has probably beat me to this idea, but I'm using it anyway..letters of the Fellowship! To each other, etc. It's like doing diaries, only..different.  
  
I'll just be putting up 2 people at a time and their letters to each other. Plus maybe a couple of private thoughts here and there. First up.Aragorn and Arwen.  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Oh my dearest love Arry,  
  
TAKE A BATH!  
  
Love and smoochies,  
  
Arwen  
  
To: Arwen  
From: Aragorn  
  
Arwen,  
  
NO! I'm STILL not king! It makes me sad, so every time I take a bath I nearly KILL myself!  
  
Aragorn  
  
PT, Aragorn (that stands for Private Thought): There! She'll lap that up.  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Oh my dearest love Arry,  
  
Aaaaawww! Why didn't you tell me you were so worried? Poor baby! XXXXXXX How's that journey of yours going, anyhow? Is it like, totally cool?  
  
Love and smoochies,  
  
Arwen  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Aragorn  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
It's not TOO bad. Remember Legolas? Well, we went over Caradhras today and that el-er, he was nancing around on top of the snow, laughing at us poor cold buried-up-to-our-butts in snow creatures. But my stubble is still nice, stubbly, and manly. Just for you, babe.  
  
Aragorn  
  
To: Aragorn  
From: Arwen  
  
Oh my dearest love Aragorn,  
  
Aaww! Poor you! Well, you'll just have to get used to that. Legolas is ALWAYS like that. I've known him since he was 200. Didn't take any notice of him then one day he's walking around Rivendell (he was visiting) and I'm like, 'whoa there. That is one MAJOR hottie'. But don't worry, Arry dear, he's got none of the manly stubble I love you for! Smoochies!  
  
Love and smoochies,  
  
Arwen  
  
PS: Do NOT show this to Legolas!  
  
PT, Aragorn: Oh shit..  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Aragorn  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
YOU THINK LEGOLAS IS HOT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???!!!*  
  
Aragorn  
  
*thus his flirtation with Eowyn in TTT is explained  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Oh my dearest love Aragorn,  
  
I don't think he's hot anymore!!! Well, maybe just a little.but please don't get mad at me, Daddy's making me go to the Gray Havens and (all that would be where this text is now was blurred out because it got wet) Sorry. It's raining. Can't be helped. Wait.uh oh. He's trying on my dresses again! Gotta run! Smoochies!  
  
Love and MORE smoochies,  
  
Arwen  
  
PT, Arwen: Daddy has really got to get some fashion sense. EVERYone but him seems to know that green and orange just don't mix. Even Haldir knows. Maybe I should give him that blue dress for his birthday..he did seem to like it...  
  
Random LOTR fan who saw both movies: Which blue dress? She wears more than one blue dress!  
  
Me: She does? Oh well. Maybe he likes all of her blue dresses.  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Aragorn  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Can't really see to write. We're in the Mines of Moria. Legolas complaining about how the dust will mess up his hair. Can't WAIT to see it after..  
  
Aragorn  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Aragorn,  
  
The Mines of Moria???!!! Noooooo! Quick! Get out! Daddy says there's a BALROG in there! I don't know what the hell that is, but I don't think it'll improve Legolas' complexion at all. Hurry!  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
At this point, Aragorn stopped writing for a while, being totally smitten with Galadriel, then depressed because Celeborn got her first, then even MORE depressed because he finally got what Arwen was saying and realized that she loved Legolas more than him, and then even MORE depressed because Legolas found out. And we all know what happened then..  
  
did you like it? ANY of it? Stupid I know, but.I couldn't resist. Now see the little review button? Please push it and review it. PLEASE? PRETTY please? With a picture of Legolas on top? Signed? You can't have him, we en't divorcing now, but you can have a signed picture.  
  
Or he can get a signed picture of any one else if you would like. Anyhow, just push the little button and write something. ( Oh, and if I DO keep going.who should I do next? I'm thinking..hobbits. No, wait, I just got this GOOD idea for Gimli.I'll get back to you on that one. ( 


	2. Gimli and Gloin

One person reviewed this, but wut the heck. To that person..THANK YOU I LUV YOU!  
  
Arfea: A signed picture of Legolas? Ok then. Please allow 4-6 centuries for delivery. And thank you for reviewing you were my first reviewer! (  
  
Now, Gimli, writing to his relatives in Moria, notably Gloin.  
  
To: Gloin  
  
From: Gimli  
  
Dear Father,  
  
If I have my way we may go through the Mines of Moria. There's an ELF with us though. Can you believe it? An ELF! He was showing off today, about how HE knew that those pretty birdies were crebain from dunland, etc etc. I hate elves. Make him go away, daddy!  
  
Love, Gimli  
  
To: Gimli  
  
From: Gloin  
  
RETURNED TO SENDER. THIS PARTY IS NO LONGER RESIDENT AT THIS ADDRESS.  
  
PT, Gimli: Address? It wasn't addressed!  
  
To: Gloin  
  
From: Gimli  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Why didn't you answer my last letter? Anyway, we're on top of Caradhras and that meanie elf is prancing about on top of the snow why we struggle beneath it. He's being MEAN to me daddy! (all that was here was stick figure pictures of an elf dying at the hand of a bodiless axe  
)  
  
Love, Gimli  
  
PT, Gimli: That'll show the meanie elf!  
  
PT, Gloin: BALROG! SHIT! RUN, GLOIN RUN! Come on, you can do it..remember that talk you had with your dieting counselor? Well, if you had LISTENED, you would'nt BE in this position right now! Yes, well, Balin had a party and I just HAD to have some cake, and- I don't care. No sweets. That was the rule. And now-a @#$%^&* *&^%$$# BALROG is chasing me! Shut up!  
  
Apparently, Gloin has a split personality.  
  
To: Gimli  
  
From: Gloin  
  
DUDE, DWARF, HE'S NOT HERE, STOP SENDING LETTERS! SIGNED, ORCS POSTAL SERVICE, VERY LIMITED  
  
Gimli got very annoyed at this.  
  
To: Gloin From: Gimli  
  
Dear Father,  
  
WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY LETTERS? All I get is rude return to senders from the orcs. We're coming to visit soon and all! (the rest of the letter was smudged and unreadable because he was crying, because, once again, Legolas was being mean to him, although, while he was crying, I was thinking 'I hear the little voice inside my mind..it's singing, 'Go Legolas! Go Legolas!' sorry. inside joke and all)  
  
Love, Gimli  
  
PT, Gimli: Why sniffs won't daddy sob write to me?  
  
The next day, the Fellowship entered the Mines of Moria. You can guess what happened then.  
  
PT, Gimli: NOOOOOO! DADDY!!!!!!!!  
  
Gimli: (out loud) This my friends is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A MINE! (while thinking, 'i'm sorry I never washed your feet Daddy! I'll do it straight away when I find you!)  
  
Even if this TOTALLY sucked which I have it did, PLEASE review me anyhow! See that little button? All you have to do is push it. ( 


	3. Arwen and Legolas

OK..the last chapter didn't get great reviews so far, and I will update it, I just want to get it all finished and then go and change everything all at once. Don't burn me too bad please!  
  
A and L: Hey! Give him BACK! Oh, no..wait..i think he just came back. Never mind. Yeah, perhaps you SHOULD put the jellybeans down. Then again, no one's MAKING you..and here you go. Legolas and Arwen. Maybe I'll do him and Tharanduil later. That was a good idea.  
  
Artemis: Thank you. I read your story and commented there. But that's all right. It was a cool story. I'll promote it for you.  
  
To My Readers: I'm gonna promote Artemis' story for her. Read 'Concerning Mary Sues'. It's FUNNY!  
  
This time it's Legolas and Arwen writing. Yes, I know, I already did Arwen, but in this fic people are going to show up more than once. Get used to it. I don't mind. And don't forget, signed pictures available if you review it. (  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Sup, babe? I hear you think I'm hot.  
  
Love, Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, and non cross-dresser  
  
PS- you DO realize that Elrond was trying on your dresses, right? He looked horrible. I don't though. Not that I've ever actually tried on a dress, but.I look good anywhere.  
  
PT, Legolas: Uh oh. Hope I didn't give to much away there.  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Dude, who DOESN'T think you're hot? Yeah, Daddy's been trying on my dresses. By the way, have you seen that white beaded one I was wearing before Daddy's council? He's making me leave for the Gray Havens and I want to take it because it is so, like, like, totally, HOT, and who KNOWS who you'll meet in a foreign country?  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
PT, Legolas: Her white BEADED dres....uh..was THAT the one I took? Whoops...  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
White beaded dress? Nope. But guess what? Today we went over Caradhras and it was hilarious because I was walking about on top of the snow and I didn't help anyone else! HA! You shoulda seen their faces! (Especially Aragorns; all of that 'manly stubble' was frozen because he was crying) And the dwarf had a slight 'accident' in which I thought the snow was hard enough for him to walk on but it wasn't. He started swearing at me, but I just walked away and said, 'Lasta lalaithamin', then burst out laughing with Aragorn. I swear the whole thing was an accident.  
  
Love, Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
That's too BAD! About the accident I mean. But we've got bigger problems. Aragorn refuses to take a bath. He says it's because he wants to be king and he nearly kills himself every time, but I think he's just scared of the water. Find out. NOW!  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
He told me. He IS scared of the water. Would you like me to give him a bath? I bet I could get him and Gimli together..  
  
Love, Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls  
  
PT, Legolas: Why is 'target of crazy fangirls' one of my titles?  
  
PT, Arwen: Uh oh. I better find out who this Gimli is before he and Aragorn bath together with out me.  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Who is this Gimli? I won't have anyone good looking with Aragorn. Except for me. But don't worry, I think Granny's gonna teach me how to astral project or something so I can come visit! Isn't that like, so COOL?  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Dude, Gimli's a DWARF. The ugliest, stupidest, weirdest, foulest, shortest, ugliest, stupidest, weirdest, fou-oh. Whoops. And how come YOU get to astral project? Galadriel never taught ME how to astral project! It's not fair! I get stuck with a dwarf, and YOU get to astral project! Meanie!  
  
Love, Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, maniac dwarf hater  
  
PT, Legolas: Astral project? Life just ISN'T fair! goes off crying to deliver his letter  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
You got stuck with dwa-arf! You got stuck with dwa-arf! :p Ha ha! If you're absolutely sure that Arry will still be alive after bathing with a dwarf, then go ahead. And Granny says I'll be able to visit you guys soon. HA HA! I get to astral project, and YOU get stuck with a DWARF! Does life get better?  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
PT, Arwen: Ha ha. A DWARF! Why didn't Daddy tell me? Wait a minute...was that when.yeah..just after that my dresses were all stretched.  
  
Arwen (she's speaking now): DADDY! HAVE YOU BEEN TRYI-runs off shouting at her 'daddy'  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
YOU! YOU!! Fine. You can't astral project if you don't know where we are, so I won't tell you that we're in the Mines of Moria. So there. Ha ha!  
  
Love, Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, maniac dwarf hater, hottest pissed off person in the Fellowship  
  
PS: Wait a minute..I'm the hottest in the Fellowship anyway..  
  
PT, Legolas: Yep. I'm the hottest alright. And I didn't give ANYTHING away as to our location. Go me!  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Alright then. If you don't want to tell me that your in the Mines of Moria, that's alright.  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
PT, Legolas (after reading this letter): Is it just me, or is there something rather odd about that last letter?  
  
Ok, that's it for now. What/who next? No flames please. I just got a HORRIBLE review on one of my other fics. It wasn't nice AT ALL and I'm feeling a little depressed at the moment besides being sick, so..have some pity! 


	4. Aragorn and Elrond

Ok.next chapter. Thank you reviewers I love you guys you make a sick (mentally AND physically) girl's day thank you SOOOOO much.  
  
Jenn: Yes, actually, it DID cheer me up! Thank you! And as for that idea...that's good. I'll use it! Thanks! : ) That WOULD be funny, wouldn't it.  
  
Kate: Thank you!! And..Arwen and Elrond. HEE HEE. Ok then Why not? Lets see, I think this chapter is, uh, never mind but thank you sooo much for the ideas I'll use them! : )  
  
Lets see..I'll take one of Kate's ideas and to Aragorn and Elrond. I'm getting over a HORRIBLE sickness and haven't eaten solid food for nearly a week, so, please don't flame me if it's bad because that will NOT help me get better and you DON'T want to know what I was sick with.  
  
Disclaimer: All I own are action figures. Gandalf the White (with a button on the back that moves his staff hand) and Frodo, so...yeah. No Legolas though. : ( My dad got them for me and they didn't have him. But that's besides the point. : )  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Aragorn  
  
Dear Elrond,  
  
Hey, foster father, sup? I hate to break this to you, but that blue and red dress of Arwen's just doesn't look good on you. And when am I gonna be king? And how can I be a king of men if I'm an elf? And how come Legolas had to come? Yesterday he spent a whole HOUR brushing his hair. How can you do that?When will I be king? And do you know if Gandalf's taking us to Lothlorien? Because Galadriel really creeps me out. And does she have a ring? Don't I get a ring? All I get is a stupid sword. And how come I can't grow my hair long like you and Legolas and Glorfindel and everyone else? I'm an elf too! And how come we didn't bring lembas? And why is boromir here? When will I be king? Why does Arwen let YOU try on her dresses but not me? Why does everyone say I'm dirty? Why do you think Arwen's gonna die if she marries me? When will I be king? Uh oh, freaky birdies coming. See ya!  
  
Aragorn, Elf, Sexy man of the wild, Ranger, Lover o-er, Love of Arwen, King of Gondor  
  
PS: No, wait, I'm not king yet! (wet paper)  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Aragorn,  
  
WHAT? It doesn't look good on me? Wait..how do YOU know? Legolas told you. Screw him. Young elves. I HATE young elves. They think they're so sexy. Oh, and you're not an elf. HA HA! You're not an elf! Glorfindel had a fit when he found out that you still think you're an elf after all these years!  
  
Elrond, Way cool dude of Rivendell, Arwen's daddypoo  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Aragorn  
  
Dear Elrond,  
  
What do you mean I'm not an elf? Of COURSE I'm an elf! You idiot! Ever noticed the pointy ears and sexiness that goes with (young) elves?  
  
Aragorn, Elf, sexy man of the wild, Ranger, Love of Arwen, Future king of Gondor  
  
PS: When will I become king? How come I'm not king yet? Why do you think I'm not an elf? When am I gonna be king? How come we have to go through the Mines of Moria? I don't WANNA go through the Mines of Moria.  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Aragorn,  
  
You are NOT an elf. You have ugly round ears and the greasiest hair I've ever smelled. You can't really see the hair under all the grease. Ha ha. And I don't give crap if you have to go through the Mines of Moria. I get to stay here in Rivendell in the SUNLIGHT and WARMTH, AND try on Arwen's dresses! :P  
  
Elrond, Way cool dude of Rivendell, Arwen's daddypoo  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Aragorn  
  
Dear Elrond,  
  
AM SO AN ELF! And don't make fun of my hair. I have WAY better hair than any of you. And Arwen's gonna GIVE me a dress when I get back. Ha ha. :p  
  
Aragorn, Elf, sexy man of the wild, Ranger, Love of Arwen, Future king of Gondor  
  
PS: When am I gonna be king?  
  
PT, Aragorn: It's not fair! I'm an elf, I got the hottest elf chick around, but I'm not king!  
  
To: Aragorn  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Aragorn,  
  
YOU ARE NOT AN ELF YOU @#$%ING HUMAN! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR GREASY HEAD!  
  
Elrond, Way cool dude of Rivendell, Arwen's daddypoo  
  
PT, Elrond: Wait...she's giving HIM one of her dresses? speaking ARWEN! DID YOU PROMISE ARAGORN A DRESS? CAUSE YOU ARE GONNA BE IN SOOO MUCH TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ONE!  
  
At this point, Aragorn was too heartbroken because it turned out he was not an elf to write, and in any case Elrond found it hard to write in Arwen's smallest, tightest, and ugliest dress.  
  
Don't flame me, please, but PLEASE review! PLEASE! I beg you! Ideas are welcome as well. : ) 


	5. Arwen and Elrond

Ok then. You guys seem to want more, so, here's more! Sorry I haven't updated in a bit..been sick, etc. STILL sick, but that's another story.  
  
To my reviewers: Thank you I love you guys!!!!!!!  
  
Jenn: Really? Cool! And yeah, I've seen/heard a couple of things about Aragorn thinking he's an elf, so.I put it in. Hmm. Gollum to Frodo or Bilbo.I like that! Thanks! And so what if you're insane? I'm insane! Read my bio. That'll convince you if my writing doesn't. And you're very welcome. I like being replied to when I read something, so I do. And thanks, I'm NEARLY better. : )  
  
Natta: That's alright. I've written better I'm sure. But one question.does it REALLY take that much to sign in? No, wait..never mind..not sure if I wanna know the answer.lol.  
  
Kate: Thanks! And of COURSE I'm gonna do another. This fic is WAY too much fun to give up now.  
  
Happy molecule: hee hee. Nice pen name! And here I am, doing more! I hope you're happy! : )  
  
Ok.I think I'll take Kate's advice again (thank you Kate!) and do Arwen and Elrond. For us insane people. Yes I KNOW they live in the same house, but who cares? We don't know how big Rivendell is after all.maybe they live at separate ends...or maybe not but who cares. If you think the idea is stupid, well, don't read it.  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Daddy,  
  
STOP TRYING ON MY DRESSES!!!!!  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
ONLY IF YOU GO TO THE GRAY HAVENS!  
  
Elrond, way cool dude of Rivendell, your daddypoo, hopefully NEVER Aragorn's father-in-law  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Daddy,  
  
But what about Arry? You KNOW I'm in love with him, daddy! Why can't you just accept it? You could go see the resident shrink if you want. You know, Imladrishrink, Inc.? They helped me get over the fact that you are only half elf!  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
PT, Arwen: I STILL can't believe he's half elf! I always knew my prettiness came from the OTHER side of the family.  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
I keep telling you, don't marry Aragorn! I have the gift of foresight, remember? And I foresee that he's gonna dump you for some blond chick when he gets to Rohan! And no, I will NOT go see the shrink because it's really Glorfindel in disguise, and if I confess my troubles to him, he'll tell everyone and laugh at me because I let Peter kick him out of the movie! And besides, that's just a rumor. I am TOTALLY an elf. NOT half-elf! Get it! FULL ELF! NOT HALF ELF!  
  
Elrond, way cool dude of Rivendell, your daddypoo, hopefully never Aragorn's father-in-law  
  
PT, Elrond: I HATE Galadriel! Why'd she have to tell everyone that I'm half elf?! I'm NOT! I hate blonds.  
  
PT, Arwen: Daddy! Surely you don't hate Legolas!  
  
PT, Elrond: Well, maybe not HIM, but- wait! You can read my thoughts?  
  
PT, Arwen: Duh, daddy. We're ELVES, remember? Well, ONE of us is.  
  
PT, Elrond: Now wait just a min-  
  
Author: Will you two just get on with it! You're holding up the fic!  
  
PT, Elrond: We're in a fic?  
  
Author: Never mind.  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Daddy,  
  
He is SO not gonna dump me for a blond. And it's not Glorfindel. It's Bilbo. So there. And anyway, who cares about Glorfindel? I SO deserved to be in the movie. I'm like, hardly in the book daddy, except for some pretty elf lady next to you.  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
PS: and I AM gonna marry Arry once he takes a bath! So there!  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
If you're gonna wait until Aragorn takes a bath to marry him, then you are going to be waiting for a LONG time.  
  
Elrond, way cool dude of Rivendell, your daddypoo, hopefully never Aragorn's father-in-law  
  
PS: Wait.it's BILBO? Aww, $#!^!  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Daddy,  
  
I'm gonna go visit Granny. You're too mean to me AND you try on my dresses. At least when Granny does, SHE keeps them in shape!  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
To: Arwen  
  
From: Elrond  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Celeborn tries on your dresses too! What about HIM? And why does Aragorn think he's an elf?  
  
Elrond, way cool dude of Rivendell, your daddypoo, hopefully never Aragorn's father-in-law  
  
To: Elrond  
  
From: Arwen  
  
Dear Daddy,  
  
CELEBORN tries on my dresses TOO? You PEOPLE! And just go along with him, ok? Arry thinks he's an elf, and he cries if you tell him he's human,so...just go along, OK DADDY?  
  
Love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
PT, Elrond: Whoops.  
  
At this point, they suddenly realized that they lived in the same house (do they? I don't know) and were writing letters to each other. So, Arwen left to go to 'Lothlorien' (we'll see where she REALLY goes later, you can probably guess, do if you like) and Elrond contented himself with trying on the dresses Galadriel had left after her last visit and his favorite one of Arwen's, which she hated, but he loved. It was pink with white lace on the collar, cuffs, and hem, with a white sash and flounces and a big pink bow to match.  
  
By the way, if you recall at the end of the last chapter, Aragorn said that Arwen promised him a dress, and Elrond said that Arwen had better give him one. The pink one was the one she gave him, and she did indeed promise Aragorn a dress.  
  
I really do appreciate reviews and suggestions, and as you can see, I use suggestions most of the time, so.I'm open. And if you gave a suggestion but it hasn't been used don't worry I will! Thank ya!  
  
Incurelf 


	6. Pippin and Merry

Wow. You peeps got a LOT of ideas.lets see. I know ff.net doesn't go for polls, but out of these tell me which you want next OR tell me one of your own. Thankies!  
  
Legolas & Galadriel Glorfindel & Gimli Gandalf & the Balrog Harry Potter & Legolas Gollum & Frodo Gollum & Bilbo Legolas & Tharanduil  
  
I think that's it. ANYway, like always, I AM open to suggestions, so, feel free to give'em. Now, to my LOVELY reviewers.  
  
Kate: Thank you sooooo much for all of those suggestions! I love them! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!  
  
Jenn: Really? Same here. I can hardly get ANYWHERE. And thank you sooooooo much you've reviewed a lot!!!!!!!!  
  
Happy molecule: Thank you!!!!!!! Pippin? Okays. & yeah, I never knew that Elrond was only half elf until I read some thing in a magazine.  
  
Zephdae: Ok then! Thank ya! & I love your reviews, they're great!  
  
Ok, up next is..Pippin & Merry. Sure, they're both in the Fellowship, but who cares? I'm actually going to start when they're in the Shire, though, so.yeah. And come on, if Arwen & Elrond can both live in Rivendell & write, why can't the hobbits?  
  
To: Merry  
  
From: Pippin  
  
Dear Merry,  
  
Did you take my weed? Come on, I KNOW you took my weed. And my mushrooms! Those were MY mushrooms!!! And you took them!  
  
Annoyed & high, Pippin  
  
To: Pippin  
  
From: Merry  
  
Dear Pippin,  
  
Those were Farmor Maggot's mushrooms. And Frodo took your weed, not me! I think he gave it to some passing wood elves.  
  
Not sure whether dumb or dumber, Merry  
  
PT, Merry: hides weed in secret cabinet Hum dee dum. I didn't take no weed..  
  
To: Merry  
  
From: Pippin  
  
Der Meri,  
  
O. wel I dona'tt gi v e a $ # !*. da t wuz m yyy weed an I wnt I bac no.  
  
Anoo yed 'hn hi Pipn  
  
Translation: Dear Merry, Oh. Well I don't give a $#!*. That was my weed and I want it back now. Annoyed and high, Pippin  
  
As you can see, he was very high when he wrote that.  
  
To: Pippin  
  
From: Merry  
  
Dear Pippin,  
  
Huh? But I'll tell you what. Let's go nick some food off of Farmer Maggot and then burst out of his cornfield just as Frodo is telling Sam, "We're still in the Shire. What could possibly happen?". And THEN we can fall off a mini cliff thing and fall by mushrooms then we'll push you out of the way and go gather mushrooms and then..uh.. yeah. I didn't get farther than that in the movie.  
  
Not sure whether dumb or dumber, Merry  
  
To: Merry  
  
From: Pippin  
  
Dear Merry,  
  
What do you mean 'huh'? That letter was legible! So there! And I don't wanna do that. So there.  
  
No longer high but rather puzzled as to what a movie is, Pippin  
  
PT, Pippin: Aww, crap. Did I just tell him that I didn't want to steal? What's happening to me? Am I turning into.shudder a GOOD hobbit? One that doesn't steal or bother cranky old smelly wizards or says stupid things at a solemn moment? Oh no! This can't be good. begins to spaz for a couple minutes, then stops Wait.I know what will make me feel better! Weed! pulls out some weed Owld Towby. D faahnest weed in d southfaahrthin.  
  
To: Pippin  
  
From: Merry  
  
Dear Pippin, Come on. You know you want to. Come on.come to Papa.that's it..are you convinced yet? No? Alright then..remember the firework..come on..steal with me...come on...we'll go to Rivendell and see some hot elf chicks..come on..you know I love you!  
  
Unsure as to how that last bit sounded, Merry  
  
PT, Merry: That did NOT sound right.  
  
PT, Pippin: (after reading) Hot elf chicks? I'm in!  
  
To: Merry  
  
From: Pippin  
  
Dear Merry,  
  
Hot elf chicks? Dude, I am TOTALLY there!  
  
Drooling over the thought of hot elf chicks, Pippin  
  
To: Pippin  
  
From: Merry  
  
Dear Pippin,  
  
See, I told you that would be fun! So there! Ha!  
  
Pissing in pants after black rider, Merry  
  
To: Merry  
  
From: Pippin  
  
Dear Merry,  
  
Bree is the COOLEST place man, except that Viggo guy really creeped me out. But oh well. And why does Sam want to see the elves? I thought he was going for Frodo or Rosie.  
  
Not nearly as scared as you fraidy cat, Pippin  
  
PT, Merry: Who's Viggo?  
  
To: Pippin  
  
From: Merry  
  
Dear Pippin,  
  
Who is Viggo?  
  
Resents being called a fraidy cat, Merry  
  
To: Merry  
  
From: Pippin  
  
Dear Merry,  
  
I don't know who Viggo is! How should I know?  
  
Doesn't care whether you resent it or not you fraidy cat, Pippin  
  
To: Pippin  
  
From: Merry  
  
Dear Pippin,  
  
You said that that Viggo guy was really creeping you out, remember? Do you mean Strider? We're still in character, remember?!  
  
You are a complete idiot, Merry  
  
After this last letter was written, they reached Rivendell, and Merry and Pippin were far to absorbed with staring at and trying to get noticed by 'hot elf chicks'.  
  
Don't forget, I'm open to suggestions and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you liked this and want more tell me which of the ideas that were at the beginning that you want. See ya!  
  
Incurelf 


	7. Harry Potter and the Sexy Elf

Hey! I'm updating! Yay!  
  
************************************************  
  
Nerwen Calaelen: Ooh, cool name! And that is a GOOD idea! The one with Faramir, Boromir, & Denethor. And don't worry, I will do Gollum.  
  
Kate: You have a crazed evil elf? Cool! And one of those is this chapter, don't worry! : )  
  
Chicki45: You can ALWAYS make suggestions! I love suggestions! Thank you!!!  
  
Happy molecule: You like it! Yay! Trust me, I'll definitely do Aragorn and Pippin again. Maybe even in the same chapter.  
  
Rhiannon: Thanks! And one of your wishes is coming true this chapter!!  
  
Up this chapter..Legolas and Harry Potter!  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Prof. Dumbledore gave me your name and address. He said that you could help me with hair and girls. Can you please? I'm DESPERATE!  
  
Ugly and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16- year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
To: Harry Potter  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
Sure. Get yourself some long blond hair, perfect skin, pointy ears, and a sexy body, and the girls will be all over you. Who are you anyhow? I just happen to be a tall, thin, blond, sexy elf.  
  
Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, and non cross-dresser  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
You're an ELF? But elves are so annoying, and well..ugly. And short. And stupid. Besides, I HATE blonds. I know one. His name is Malfoy. He makes me cry. wet paper  
  
Ugly and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16- year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
PS: Where do I get all that stuff you mentioned anyhow?  
  
To: Harry Potter  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
UGLY? SHORT? ANNOYING? Are you sure you don't mean hobbits?  
  
Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, Prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, non cross-dresser  
  
PS: You can find ALL those things at your local Wal-Mart.  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Hobbit?  
  
Ugly and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16- year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
PS: Where's Wal-Mart?  
  
To: Harry Potter  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
Hobbit. You know, short, ugly, stupid little creatures who copied our ears?  
  
Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, non cross-dresser  
  
PS: Never mind 'bout Wal-Mart. It's a local store I think.  
  
PT, Legolas: And I thought HUMANS were stupid.  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas, Huh?  
  
Ugly and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16- year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
To: Harry Potter,  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
Never mind. You want advice on girls? See my other letter.  
  
Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, Prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, non cross-dresser  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
I TRIED, but everyone said I was trying to look like Legolas from Lord of the Rings and laughed at me!  
  
Ugly and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16- year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
To: Harry Potter  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
Lord of the Rings?  
  
Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, Prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, non cross-dresser  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
You know, the book series? By JRR Tolkien?  
  
Ugly and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16- year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
To: Harry Potter  
  
From: Legolas  
  
Dear Harry Potter,  
  
Nope. And also, if your hair won't stay down, don't wash it for a couple years. Aragorn's hair always stayed down, after all.  
  
Legolas, hottest elf in Mirkwood, prince of Mirkwood, target of crazy fangirls, non cross-dresser  
  
To: Legolas  
  
From: Harry Potter  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Aragorn? You know Aragorn?  
  
Confused, ugly, and un noticed, Harry Potter, killer of memories in the form of 16-year olds, stuttering teachers, god-son of a convicted murderer, somehow connected to majorly evil mass-murderer, owner of extremely ugly lightning scar  
  
At this point, Legolas was too weirded out to write, and Harry Potter too confused.  
  
Vote, please! (and review)  
  
Denethor/Boromir/Fararmir (see Nerwen Calaelen's review of ch. 6 for details!)  
  
Legolas/Galadriel  
  
Glorfindel/Gimli  
  
Gandalf/Balrog  
  
Gollum/Frodo  
  
Gollum/Bilbo  
  
Legolas/Tharanduil  
  
Aragorn/Faramir  
  
Gandalf/Saruman  
  
The One Ring/Bilbo  
  
Or feel free to come up with more sets of pen-pals.  
  
Incurelf 


	8. Bilbo and the One Ring

Chapter 8  
  
I have reached 30 reviews! Yay! Go reviewers!  
  
Viraten: Thank you!!!  
  
Nerwen Calaelen: Thank you SOO much for stayin' with this!!!  
  
Enelya Anarion: Thank you soo much!!! Love your name!  
  
Kate: A sugar-high Aragorn? Freaky, but cool! Can I see? Thank you as well for staying with this!!!  
  
Vardalothwen: Ooh, a HP suggestion! Cool! Yes, LOTR is WAY better.  
  
LuNaMoOn: Thank you!!!  
  
Begora John: Ooh, nice long review! Thanks!!! Good suggestion, too!  
  
THANK YOU ALL SOOO MUCH!!!  
  
Now, as for this chapter. You all seem to be VERY much in favor of Bilbo/One Ring, so, that's what I'm doing. I would just like to say, and I'll say again later, if you want Gollum, WHO should be writing to Gollum???  
  
Dear Bilbo,  
  
Why'd you give me to that stinkin' nephew of yours? He BARELY puts me on, he speaks ill of me, AND he smells. Oh, and he's on some stupid quest to destroy me. YOU FRICKIN' RETARD!!! I WAS SAFE WITH YOU, SAFE! MY MASTER WOULD'VE COME FOR ME! Well, the Nazgul would've. They're my baby-sitters, but that's besides the point. THEY WOULDA come, but YOU gave me to FRODO!  
  
Round, gold, shiny, & evil, the One Ring  
  
Dear One Ring,  
  
How do you write?  
  
Bilbo, the ONE and ONLY  
  
Dear Bilbo,  
  
How do I write? Uuh.I'll get back to you on that one. The point is, YOUR NEPHEW IS A FREAKIN ANNOYANCE!!!  
  
Round, gold, shiny, & evil, the One Ring  
  
PS: Baggins...... Baggins...... Baggins...... Baggins...... Baggins...... Baggins......  
  
PT, One Ring: speaking Aragorn.......Elessar..... thinking Damn, it, Aragorn, Elessar, whatever the hell your name is! TAKE ME! PUT ME ON! You KNOW you WANT to!!! $#!+.  
  
Dear One Ring,  
  
Right.well, I gave the Ri-er, you, to Frodo because Gandalf told me to. And whatever Gandalf says, Bilbo does, because Bilbo is a GOOD hobbit!  
  
Bilbo, the ONE and ONLY  
  
Dear Bilbo,  
  
GANDALF? You listen to HIM? Tsk, tsk! You gotta listen to MY master. Sauron. Aah, the beauty of that flaming eye! Oh, how sexy those flames! Oh, how-what was I saying? Oh, right. Well, I'll have you know, that I am THE ONE RING, and NOTHING can stand against me, not even Gandalf!  
  
Round, gold, shiny, & evil, the One Ring  
  
Dear One Ring,  
  
Um, I think you need a doctor. If you guys aren't with the Fellowship, & it's just you, Frodo, and Sam, then ask Sam to make you a nice brace of coneys, with tomahtoes, sausages, and nice, crispy bacon. It's the hobbit cure-all.  
  
Bilbo, the ONE and ONLY Dear Bilbo,  
  
A DOCTOR? IN THE MIDDLE OF EMYN MUIL? ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU NUTS? ARE YOU INSANE? Besides, did YOU ever hear of a doctor who could treat super-duper- shiny-gold-round-definitely-totally-all-around-evil ring?  
  
The One super-duper-shiny-gold-round-definitely-totally-all-around- evil Ring  
  
Dear One Ring,  
  
Actually, I'm a hobbit.  
  
Bilbo, the ONE and ONLY  
  
Dear Bilbo,  
  
I'm gonna have to break off this correspondence now, as we're going to enter Mordor soon, and I can't WAIT to see my master again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The One super-duper-shiny-gold-round-definitely-totally-all-around-evil-and- excited Ring  
  
After this, neither wrote anymore, Bilbo being preoccupied anyway with Elrond's problems (see other chapters) and the One Ring, of course, was too excited, and, eventually, destroyed.  
  
Right. Voting time again!  
  
Arwen/Eowyn  
  
Boromir/Faramir/Denethor  
  
Faramir/Aragorn  
  
Frodo/WHO?????  
  
Galadriel/Treebeard  
  
Gandalf/Balrog  
  
Glorfindel/Gandalf  
  
Glorfindel/Gimli  
  
Gollum/WHO?????  
  
Legolas/Galadriel  
  
Legolas/Haldir  
  
Legolas/Tharanduil  
  
Pippin/Treebeard  
  
Saruman/Gandalf  
  
Sauron/Ringwraiths  
  
Sauron/Voldemort  
  
That's a lot. Anyway, vote, PLEASE, and I'll get back you ASAP.  
  
Incurelf 


	9. Gandalf and Saruman

Ooh, reviews so quickly! Thank you all soo much!  
  
Chicki45: Thank you! Thanks for staying with this, too! Oh, and the Ring says that, if you can find it, it would be happy to have you baby-sit.  
  
Viraten: Thank you!!!  
  
Nerwen Calaelen: Thanks! Thanks for staying with this!!! Don't worry, I will keep writing and writing and writing and you get the idea.  
  
Zephdae: I guess you HAVE got a point about the Legolas/Merry/Pippin thing, but forgive me please, as I wrote that in Tech Ed, and that is soo boring it was all I could think of. But Gollum/Dobby is a GOOD idea!  
  
LuNaMoOn: Thanks for complimentin' & sticking with me! Voldy.snigger good nickname.  
  
AET: Thanks! And yeah, they're enemies.  
  
By a smashing win of 2 to 1 for all the rest, Gandalf/Saruman has won for this chapter. Enjoy!  
  
Dear Gandalf,  
  
Why don't you come visit me? I got a room saved 'specially for you. It's got a /great/ view, and it's real cheap! Come check it out!  
  
Signed, the white dude with long hair, Saruman  
  
Dear Saruman,  
  
Does it come with free Palantir-night time TV?  
  
Signed, the grey dude with bad hair who smells'n smokes, Gandalf  
  
Dear Gandalf,  
  
Uuh.sure! Look, just come on over. I'll even throw in a free consulting session. I know it's been hard, dealing with all of your problems plus those cute, adorable, se-er, annoying hobbits.  
  
Signed, the white dude with long hair, Saruman  
  
PS: I was NOT about to say sexy up there!  
  
PT, Saruman: Please don't let him find out that I'm a pervy hobbit fancier, please!  
  
Dear Saruman,  
  
I don't have problems! But I'll tell you what, I'll come anyway. I've got important stuff to talk about. And just for the record, the Halfling's leaf is VERY good!  
  
Signed, the grey dude with bad hair who smells'n smokes, Gandalf  
  
PS: You wouldn't be a pervy hobbit fancier by any chance, would you?  
  
Dear Gandalf,  
  
Ok then! I'll put you down for the 18th then, ok? And I've tried that stuff of the Halfling's. Elfish weed is SO much better. And I am NOT a PHF!*  
  
Signed, the white dude with long hair, Saruman  
  
*PHF= Pervy Hobbit Fancier  
  
Dear Saruman,  
  
The 18th is GREAT! And Elfish weed is like, NOT better! It's ok to be a PHF! I've set up a club thing for it, PHFA, Inc. That's Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous, Inc. I'll send you some pamphlets. No, I'll bring you some! Then I can introduce you to the club and you can decide if you want a membership. We have meetings once a month where we sit and discuss hobbits and ogle hobbit photos.  
  
Signed, the grey dude with bad hair who smells'n smokes, Gandalf  
  
Dear Gandalf,  
  
Dude, elfish weed is like, SO much better! And PHFA, Inc sounds GREAT! I'm in!  
  
Signed, the white dude with long hair, Saruman  
  
PT, Saruman: I do hope Sauron doesn't mind. Wait! Maybe he'll join! Hmm.  
  
Dear Saruman,  
  
I'm glad you decided to join PHFA, Inc, but is it really necessary to beat me up and imprison me on top of Barad-dur?  
  
Signed, the grey dude with bad hair who smells'n smokes, Gandalf  
  
Dear Gandalf,  
  
That's on top of ORTHANC to you, buddy! And I'm not imprisoning you, that's the room I was talking about! And you unknowningly joined the WLS club. That 'beating' as you called it, was the initiation ceremony.  
  
Signed, the white dude with long hair, Saruman  
  
Dear Saruman,  
  
I'm on Orthanc? In Isengard? Why didn't someone TELL me? My doctor told me not to come here because..uh..what was it he said? Oh, right. There's a shortage of hobbit weed here and that's very bad for me. And what's WLS?  
  
Signed, the grey dude with bad hair who smokes'n smells, Gandalf  
  
Dear Gandalf,  
  
WLS is We Love Sauron. You're in on it. Isn't it cool? I'll send you up the membership kit later.  
  
Signed, the white dude with long hair, Saruman  
  
Dear Saruman,  
  
You're EVIL? Oh shit.  
  
Signed, the grey dude with bad hair who smokes'n smells and has just escaped to R-crap. I better not tell you I'm in Rivendell, Gandalf  
  
After this, Saruman was too put out that Gandalf didn't want to join his club that he didn't write anymore. And he was in trouble with Sauron for losing a potential member.  
  
And Gandalf was forbidden by Elrond to write to Saruman, even though "he's a member of PHFA, Inc!", and then he went along with Frodo to make himself feel better, and besides, Elrond had told him that there would be four hobbits on the quest, and that made him VERY excited.  
  
Right. Vote, please!  
  
Arwen/Eowyn  
  
Boromir/Faramir/Denethor  
  
Boromir/Faramir  
  
Faramir/Aragorn  
  
Frodo/Gollum  
  
Galadriel/Treebeard  
  
Gandalf/Balrog  
  
Glorfindel/Gandalf  
  
Glorfindel/Gimli  
  
Gollum/Dobby  
  
Legolas/Galadriel  
  
Legolas/Haldir  
  
Legolas/Tharanduil  
  
Pippin/Treebeard  
  
Saruman/Gandalf  
  
Sauron/Ringwraiths  
  
Sauron/Voldemort  
  
I think that's it. Vote or give your own suggestions. Or both. Doesn't matter. And review too!  
  
Incurelf 


	10. Arwen and Eowyn

50 reviews!!! Me so happy! Thank you thank you thank you all my reviewers!!!!!!!!!!!! hands out chocolate  
  
Now I thank you personally:  
  
Vardalothwen: And you! Thanks!!! You can vote as many times as you want. Makes no difference to me.  
  
Izzykit: Thanks!!! Yes, Legolas and Haldir are very cool elves. nods  
  
Viraten: Thank ya too!!! Ringwraiths instead of Sauron.hmm..  
  
Luna Goldsun: Thank ya!!! Voting twice is ok. So is voting 3 times. Or 4 times. You can vote as much as you want.  
  
Bard: Thank ya very much!!!  
  
Chicki45: Thanks!!! Sure you can join WLS! I'll get Legolas to write Saruman for you. Good luck with world domination (but watch out for Zephdae, I think she may be planning to take over as well). And the Ring says it would be happy to have you adopt it.provided you can find it and (if needed) remake it. And I love your reviews, very funny, so make 'em as long as you want.  
  
Enelya Anarion: Thank ya!!! I didn't make up the baby-sitting advice thing, but to whoever made it up (can't remember) it WAS very good idea!  
  
Cjcm14: Thanks!!! Thanks for voting too!  
  
Nerwen Calaelen: You're back! Thank ya very much! Glad it cheered you up. Wherever you were ('cause I assume by the time you read this you'll be back) hope ya had fun!  
  
Kyro: Thank ya!!! Yeah, you can join WLS! Legolas will write Saruman, so expect a pamphlet & member's kit by Orc Express. Very funny review!!  
  
Little-lost-one: Thanks so much! Good suggestions, too. I like that.  
  
Rght. I'm doing Arwen/Eowyn, they got 5 votes. Enjoy.  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
You wouldn't be the woman who gave Aragorn that girlie jewel, would you?  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
I gave Aragorn a jewel, yes, but it wasn't THAT girlie! Anyway, Aragorn is SO mine, so stay away from him! I know what's going to happen! He's going to come to Rohan and then you're gonna fall in love with him and- wait.did that happen already? Daddy doesn't tell me ANYthing.  
  
No love or smoochies for you,  
  
Arwen  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
That jewel is TOTALLY girlie. Yes, Aragorn IS in love with me, ha ha, but I don't want to write because he fell off of a cliff and now the only man around is Theoden! Do you know how GROSS he is?  
  
Don't want any love and smoochies from you,  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you  
  
Dear Eowyn, You are SO stupid! You're in the same house castle fortress thing as an ELF (Legolas, at that) and you think no one is available. HelLO! Anyway, have mastered astral projection, so will go astral project to Arry and tell him some sappy encouraging things in Elfish.  
  
You DEFINITELY don't get any love or smoochies now,  
  
Arwen  
  
PT, Arwen: Arry! I'm coming!!!  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Legolas? You have got to be kidding. He reminds me of this elf I dated when I was younger. But his name was Hal-something. I called him Hally. But then some prissy wood elf who just goes on about doom all the time called him to her because she needed someone to be in charge of her fighting elves. I'm pretty sure she was just getting tired of her husband though.  
  
Like I wanted any love or smoochies in the first place,  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
You have like, totally got it ALL wrong, girl! Legolas is very nice. And very hot. He was my boyfriend for a bit, afore I saw Arry. And that would be Haldir, in the service of my Granny, who just happens to be one of the oldest elves around, Galadriel, so there! Although I do suspect her and Haldir of getting it on.  
  
Well, good 'cause you don't get love and smoochies, Arwen  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Did I mention that Legolas is ugly? I'll tell you what. You can have Legolas, and I'll have Aragorn. I think that would work out for EVERYONE, don't you?  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
NO! ARRY IS MINE! DON'T YOU DARE TAKE HIM FROM ME! YOU ARE SUCH A MEANIE! I AM SO GOING TO TELL DADDY ON YOU! AND THEN HE'LL..HE'LL...UH..OOH HE'LL SEND HALDIR TO HELM'S DEEP TO TEMPT YOU! SO THERE! STAY AWAY FROM ARRY, FOUL TEMPTRESS!  
  
Arwen  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
Did you astral project to him? 'cause he wasn't paying ANY attention to me at ALL today. It wasn't fair! And I'll take him if I can! But wait.if Haldir comes..  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you  
  
PT, Eowyn: Haldir? HALDIR?! OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE, COOL!!! Is my hair alright? Should I pay special attention to Aragorn to see if he gets jealous? But wait.what if he thinks I don't want him? Oh no! And also this is going to be a MAJOR fashion crisis! Should I wear Elfish stuff? I wonder what's in Vogue right now. Ooh, I know! I'll wear that dress that says 'This may be a plain dress but MAN do I look sexy in it!'  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
I surely did astral project. Ha ha. And Haldir should be arriving there any day now. I laugh at you. I fart in your gene-whoops, wrong movie.  
  
Arwen  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
HALDIR CAME TODAY! HALDIR CAME! OH MY GOD! THIS IS LIKE, TOTALLY LIKE, COOL!  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you but maybe now Haldir wants me again  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
Haldir's going to die you know.  
  
Arwen  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
HALLY? DIE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SILENCE, FOUL UH...FOUL..SEER!  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you but now Haldir's but if he dies than Aragorn is SO mine  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
HEE HEE.  
  
Arwen  
  
Dear Arwen,  
  
HALLY'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? HOW COULD YOU? I HATE YOU! I HATE ELVES! IN FACT, I'M GOING TO START IHE, Inc. AS SOON AS WE GET BACK TO EDORAS!!!  
  
Eowyn, deer-caught-in-car headlights-eyed, blond-haired, and way better for Aragorn than you now that Hally's..Hally's...DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
PS: IHE, Inc is I Hate Elves, Incorporated.  
  
Dear Eowyn,  
  
Yeah? Well I'll start the IHHC! I Hate Humans Club! So there! Meanie!  
  
Arwen  
  
After this, Eowyn was way too upset over Haldir and way too over her head about Aragorn to write, while Arwen was busy starting IHHC. Please let me know if you would like to join either club.  
  
A NOTE ABOUT VOTING THAT MAY BE IN YOUR INTEREST TO READ:  
  
-YOU CAN VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT IN EACH REVIEW  
  
-YOU CAN ALWAYS GIVE SUGGESTIONS, JUST MAKE SURE THAT THEY AREN'T ON THE VOTING LIST ALREADY  
  
-DO ME A FAVOR & JUST DON'T VOTE, SAY SOMETHIN' BOUT THE CHAPTER (or chapters) AS WELL...I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BAD, MY MUSES WILL SET EACH OTHER ON FIRE, DANCE AROUND, AND GENERALLY HAVE A LOT OF FUN  
  
-AND ALSO, I AM VERY FLATTERED IF/WHEN YOU SAY 'DO ALL OF THEM' OR WHATEVER, BUT IT'S EASIER FOR ME IF YOU SAY THE ONE YOU WANT NEXT, BUT THEN ADD THAT YOU WANT ALL OF THEM THANK YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
and now for.the list!  
  
Legolas/Haldir Glorfindel/Gimli Gandalf/Sauron Sauron/One Ring Sauron/Frodo Sauron/Voldemort Arwen/Eowyn Boromir/Faramir/Denethor Boromir/Faramir Faramir/Aragorn Tom Bombadil/PJ Gollum/Dobby Sauron/Ringwraiths Gandalf/Balrog  
  
Reviews, reviews. I love reviews. Who doesn't? Anyway, sorry about the delay, me and my muses (all 8 of them) have been busy writing long poems for English, which was fun. : )  
  
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	11. Peter Jackson and Tom Bombadil

Hey, again! Love to all reviewers!!!  
  
Bard: See my bio page for the muses. And your welcome about the deer caught in headlights thing. And the stuff at the bottom? I dunno, just felt like doin' that.  
  
Cj otaku: Thank ya! And I'll let Arwen know about the club.she'll send you some information eventually (she's very busy, you know!).  
  
Little-lost-one: Oooh suggestions, suggestions, I love suggestions! Thank you!!!  
  
Izzykit: Yes, Hally. Lol. And the blondes communicating, teehee.  
  
Starlight Warrior: You sympathize with Eowyn? You don't see THAT too much. I'm not too sure about Haldir looking girly and I take it you like Aragorn.I won't say anything, though.  
  
LuNaMoOn: Thank you, thank you. Sorry it took a while, but I've been busy.  
  
Chicki45: Oooh, nice LONG review. And, um.good luck taking over the world.you have my total support. And try to stay in reality..leaving it isn't very good for you, so I've heard.  
  
Nerwen Calaelen: 8 months? Wow. Limited internet access? That bad..and I'm not sure if Arwen realized about being human.that's what happens when you hang around Aragorn I guess.  
  
Viraten: Something that doesn't make sense? Ooh, those are FUN...  
  
Paladin Dragoon: Thank you, all 3 of you, for your votes.don't worry, you can all vote in the same review.doesn't matter to me..  
  
Happy molecule: How could Arwen start the IHHC if she loves Aragorn? Well, like I said to Nerwen Calaelen, maybe she thinks he's an elf since he's always saying he is and she has learned to believe it because she hangs around him too much..no offense, but Aragorn? Won't say anything.  
  
Carolinus Took: Thank you, thank you. Will continue to continue, never fear.  
  
Rhiannon: Who's Tom Bombadil? Read the books!  
  
Ok.up next, having won by a vote of 5 with the close runner up of the Dark Lords, PJ/Tom Bombadil!  
  
TO Mr. Peter Jackson:  
  
Mr. Jackson, I would like to file a complaint against you. You left me out of the FREAKING movie!!!  
  
Tom Bombadil, crazy weird singing dude who isn't singing because he is so upset  
  
Dear Tom,  
  
I'm dreadfully sorry, but we had no choice. The movie's long enough already. I mean, come on! The extened version is 3 hours or more!  
  
Sincerely, Peter Jackson, the Kiwi who walks around in shorts all the time and who has an obsession with monsters  
  
Dear Pete,  
  
You could at LEAST have put me in the extended version!  
  
Tom Bombadil, crazy weird singing dude who isn't singing because he is so upset!  
  
Dear Tom,  
  
We couldn't. Besides, where were we supposed to find an actor who would get paid for jumping around in yellow boots singing 'hey merry-dol' or whatever it is you sing.  
  
Sincerely, PJ, who doesn't feel like writing out all that stuff again  
  
Dear Pete,  
  
You could've used ME.  
  
Tom Bombadil  
  
Dear Tom,  
  
You can't act!!! Besides.you don't even exist. You are just a character Tolkien made up to.to. I don't know! Bring delight to the hearts of children everywhere, I guess.  
  
Sincerely, PJ  
  
PT, Tom B: I don't exist? What? Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh..............  
  
Dear Tom,  
  
Why didn't you answer my letter?  
  
PJ  
  
Dear Tom,  
  
Tom?  
  
PJ  
  
PT, PJ: Yes! Got rid of him. FINALLY!!!  
  
Dear PJ,  
  
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL I LOVE HATEMAIL..don't you?  
  
Tom Bombadil, who DOES exist and is still mad at you!  
  
After this, PJ moved away so Tom couldn't write him anymore, and Tom decided to concentrate on composing a very, very long song so he could go sneak up on PJ and start singing it and keep following him til it was over. He also wanted to puzzle over a couple things: Who in hell and the woods was Tolkien? Why did Peter think his boots were ugly? What was wrong with too long? Look at Titanic! Why couldn't he play himself? He could sing better than anyone? What to make the very long song about.  
  
PLEASE VOTE!! And also, please do me a favor and write your votes out! I count them as I respond to reviews and it's a pain to go back to other reviews and find them. Thank you!!!  
  
Sauron/Voldemort  
  
Haldir/Legolas  
  
Gollum/Dobby  
  
Gandalf/Balrog  
  
Arwen/Glorfindel  
  
Glorfindel/Tom B/Goldberry  
  
Faramir/PJ  
  
Sam/Bill the Pony  
  
Faramir/Aragorn  
  
Glorfindel/Gimli  
  
Sauron/One Ring  
  
Pippin/Sam  
  
Merry/Frodo  
  
Sam/Frodo  
  
Merry/Sam  
  
Pippin/Frodo  
  
Glorfindel/Gandalf  
  
Sauron/Ringwraiths  
  
Frodo/Gollum  
  
Faramir/Boromir/Denethor  
  
Incurelf. 


	12. The Dark Lords: Sauron and Voldemort

I'm back!! To my lovely reviewers:  
  
Rhiannon: Ok, ok, I forgive you! Lol. It's ok, I've only read them twice or something but ssh! Don't tell.  
  
LanceSkoggle: Ooh, Sauron/Morgoth.that's a new one.lol.  
  
StarlightWarrior: Thank you, thank you. And don't worry.you don't have to describe it.lol  
  
Happy molecule: Thank you very much. I don't think anyone's voted for that yet.interesting.  
  
Paladin Dragoon: (to all 3 of you) Well, here I am.updating within 48 hours or whatever!  
  
Anyway, on to Sauron and Voldemort!  
  
***@@@WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE 5 HP BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@@****  
  
THIS FIRST LETTER IS FROM A CLUB THAT SAURON RECENTLY JOINED  
  
Dear Mr. Sauron,  
  
Thank you for joining Dark Lords United (DLU). Because the members are scattered throughout the literary worlds, we have selected a pen pal for you so you might get to know the other members better. His address is enclosed below.  
  
Thank you,  
  
The Authority, c/o the Regent, President*  
  
Your new DLU pen pal:  
  
Lord Voldemort (formerly Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle) The Magical World of Harry Potter Creator: Ms. JK Rowling To be sent via owl  
  
Dear Lord Voldemort,  
  
I am Sauron, the dark force currently undertaking the taking over of Middle Earth. I am presently in the shape of an eyeball surrounded by flame..but I am having my servants get my ring, the One Ring back so I can regain my old body. I must go, my wizard is contacting me via the Palantir. Sniveling fool, created 10,000 soldiers and they couldn't beat a bunch of humans (and a few elves)! Pitiful.  
  
Sauron, the Great One-of-a-kind Tremendously Huge and Evil Eyeball, and owner, creator, and master of the One Ring (not to mention the most feared force in Middle Earth)  
  
Dear Sauron,  
  
A flaming eyeball? Dear, dear, I feel your pain perfectly. I myself used to be in the same position.except that I had no real form. But please don't tell me that you are just depending on this...ring. Tut, tut, that won't do at ALL! I've got faithful Death Eaters, luckily, to carry out my tasks, but there's this annoying kid.phgph. Pathetic little thing, he is. Must go, have to rush off to the Ministry of Magic.the boy is there.with my prophecy!  
  
Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle and snakey-boy, half blood, & most feared person in Harry Potter's Magical World  
  
Dear Voldemort,  
  
You have annoying kids plaguing you too? Wow, we have like, so much in common! The kid that's annoying ME (he's actually a hobbit, but like, whatever) is short, skinny, with curly black hair. And, of course, his stupid gay hobbit friend Sam AND Gollum (Smeagol). Stupid hobbits. Can't mind their own business for one second.  
  
Sauron, the Great One-of-a-kind Tremendously Huge and Evil Eyeball, and owner, creator, and master of the One Ring (not to mention the most feared force in Middle Earth)  
  
Dear Sauron,  
  
Well, the kid that's annoying ME is a stupid wizard boy with black hair, green eyes, and a really ugly lightning scar that I gave him. On purpose, of course. Would've killed him then, but I like a challenge. But now that stupid boy's foiled me AGAIN.smashed the damn prophecy, but luckily my faithful lovely spectacular and all around cool Death Eaters managed to finish his godfather off. That reminds me, that movie's on TV! Gotta go!  
  
Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle and snakey-boy, half blood, & most feared person in Harry Potter's Magical World  
  
Dear Voldemort,  
  
What is it with these black-haired kids? Stupid writers, can't they choose a different color? By the way.what are Death Eaters? I eat death, of course. Just had some for brekky the other day. Are they like my Uruk-hai?  
  
Sauron, the Great One-of-a-kind Tremendously Huge and Evil Eyeball, and owner, creator, and master of the One Ring (not to mention the most feared force in Middle Earth)  
  
Dear Sauron,  
  
Death Eaters are my followers. I don't know why they're called Death Eaters, but they are. I'm the only one who really eats death..had death pie last night. Delicious! I'll send over the recipe if you want. What are Uruk- hai?  
  
Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle and snakey-boy, half blood, & most feared person in Harry Potter's Magical World  
  
Dear Voldemort,  
  
I would LOVE the recipe! Like, thanks dude! Uruk-hai are Orcs and goblins cross-bred, and Orcs are elves that have been tortured so much that they turn into beautiful beings that can't stand the sunlight.  
  
Sauron, the Great One-of-a-kind Tremendously Huge and Evil Eyeball, and owner, creator, and master of the One Ring (not to mention the most feared force in Middle Earth)  
  
Dear Sauron,  
  
Here's the recipe. Also, I hate elves. Damn annoying they are, but rather useful as well.  
  
Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle and snakey-boy, half blood, & most feared person in Harry Potter's Magical World  
  
DEATH PIE  
  
Ingredients:  
  
Couple deaths of good people  
  
Terror  
  
Genius  
  
Chocolate  
  
Weapons  
  
That 'L' thing you use to get into people's minds  
  
Sugar  
  
Jinxes/hexes  
  
Curses  
  
Flour  
  
Cream  
  
Salt  
  
Crackers  
  
Instructions:  
  
Go kill, jinx, hex, and curse a couple people. Add to metal mixing bowl. Go steal someone's most embarrassing secret from their mind. Beat into bowl (hit hard, most people don't want their secrets known). Put all of the normal ingredients into another bowl and stir well. (except the crackers) Pour both bowls into cupcake molds. Bake at 6OOºF. When done, eat right away. Put crackers away; who puts crackers in pie anyhow?  
  
After this, Sauron was too busy instructing all of his Orcs and Uruk-hai, etc to make 'Death Pie', and Voldemort was a bit tied up because of 'that damn Harry Potter!'  
  
Right...VOTE! (or suggest..but please.if you're voting again for the same pairs.please write it, because it's a bit of a bother to go around looking through all the review pages for your votes. You can copy/paste if you don't want to type them!!!)  
  
Sauron/Morgoth  
  
Haldir/Legolas  
  
Gollum/Dobby  
  
Gandalf/Balrog  
  
Arwen/Glorfindel  
  
Glorfindel/Tom B/Goldberry  
  
Faramir/PJ  
  
Sam/Bill the Pony  
  
Faramir/Aragorn  
  
Glorfindel/Gimli  
  
Sauron/One Ring  
  
Pippin/Sam  
  
Merry/Frodo  
  
Sam/Frodo  
  
Merry/Sam  
  
Pippin/Frodo  
  
Glorfindel/Gandalf  
  
Sauron/Ringwraiths  
  
Frodo/Gollum  
  
Faramir/Boromir/Denethor  
  
*HDM fans should recognize this.  
  
Thank ya!  
  
Incurelf. 


	13. Sam and Bill the Pony

Hey, I'm back. Sorry I didn't update all summer, was busy.Belize, then camp (hehe, Rach!).  
  
To all my LOVELY reviewers (have 84 reviews!!! 84!!! )...  
  
Thank you ALL for your votes and reviews, I love you all. I just wanna give a shout out to Rach, who I gave this site to at camp.  
  
Rach: wow, girl, I just LOVED your reviews! Lol. How's your story comin', by the way? Also, I don't know if that would be fanfic.you could try, I guess. Why not? But.rate it R, ok?   
  
ANYway, here's Sam and Bill the Pony.  
  
Dear Bill,  
  
Please forgive me for sending you away. You KNOW I didn't want you to go..but Aragorn said so!   
  
Yours ever,  
  
Sam, Frodo's FRIEND, gardener (but NOT his bodyguard thank you very much), and companion on this most terrible and treacherous journey  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
I know you didn't want to, but..it's just so..SAD! I think I have separation anxiety. At least, that's what my therapist says. However, I'm in Rivendell at the moment, where the elves are treating me well enough, I guess. My special Elf friend is Glorfindel. You see, he says we both were (either somewhat or totally) cut out of the movie, so whatever. Rivendell is kind of boring, though, as Elrond just goes around prophesying doom, Arwen mopes about Aragorn and keeps changing her mind about the Gray Havens, and Glorfindel hangs around my stall complaining all day about 'That Peter Jackson fellow' and 'that damned Liv Tyler'.  
  
Bill the Pony, pony extraorindaire and proud bearer of all of the Fellowship's luggage for a short while  
  
Dear Bill,  
  
Oh, poor Bill! Would you like me to send you anything? Do you want me to write to Elrond? Should I tell Gandalf? Do want me to send for you? Should I tell Peter Jackson to give you a part in ROTK? Do want me to send you the One Ring? How about a picture of me? Or the DVD (extended edition) of FOTR? Poor Billy baby poo. Oh, must go, think Frodo is having one of his 'Ring' moments.  
  
Yours ever,  
  
Sam, Frodo's FRIEND, gardener (but NOT his bodyguard thank you very much), and companion on this most terrible and treacherous journey  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
Hmm. Don't write to Elrond, don't tell Gandalf, don't send for me (no offense, but I don't want to make that long, treacherous journey by myself, and besides, I wouldn't be able to find you), sure, talk to PJ, I DON'T want the One Ring, would LOVE a picture, and don't have a DVD player. Thanks so much, Sammy darling!  
  
Bill the Pony, pony extraorindaire and proud bearer of all of the Fellowship's luggage for a short while  
  
Dear Bill,  
  
The picture is on its way. Oh, and do you want some lembas? I'm tired of it..and if you could send something for poor Mr. Frodo, I would greatly appreciate it, besides loving you forever. (hint, hint) 'Course, I would love you anyway..I'm a very loving hobbit. I would never judge a person/thing just based on their appearance and stuff without thinking about what all they've been through. Never.  
  
Sam, Frodo's FRIEND, gardener (but NOT his bodyguard thank you very much), and companion on this most terrible and treacherous journey  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
Sorry, but I don't eat lembas. No matter how full it would make me. I like grass. Mmmm. But thanks, I just got your picture! Its up in my stall, I talk to it, say good morning to it, that kind of stuff. Its very comforting. I can't send anything but hay to you guys, as there is no way to convey my wishes to these friggin Bree people (doesn't the name remind of the cheese? I like cheese. Especially Brie cheese. That kind of reminds me of the town, Bree. How odd). But I have one last question about that last bit on not judging people..what about Gollum?  
  
Bill the Pony, pony extraorindaire and proud bearer of all of the Fellowship's luggage for a short while  
  
Dear Bill,  
  
What do you mean, what about Gollum? That Godforsaken, God-damned f***ing son of a bitch? The little stinker..  
  
Sam, Frodo's FRIEND, gardener (but NOT his bodyguard thank you very much), and companion on this most terrible and treacherous journey  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
Reread your last letter.  
  
Bill the Pony, pony extraorindaire and proud bearer of all of the Fellowship's luggage for a short while  
  
Dear Bill,  
  
What? I have anger management problems!  
  
Sam, Frodo's FRIEND, gardener (but NOT his bodyguard thank you very much), and companion on this most terrible and treacherous journey  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
I'm afraid I'm to be moved to the Shire later today, so I will not be able to write anymore. Thanks for everything, dear!  
  
Bill the Pony, pony extraorindaire and proud bearer of all of the Fellowship's luggage for a short while  
  
Obviously at this point correspondence was broken off. Sam was very depressed for about 2 weeks after but felt better after he received a picture of Bill via Ringwraith. You remember that bit in TTT when Frodo is about to give the Ring to it? Well, in reality, it was delivering a package to Sam and Frodo was so angry because he didn't get any mail that he attacked Sam.  
  
Vote, please!!! How many you vote for is up to you. I don't care if you vote for all. If there is something you'd rather not see (like HP stuff) I'll do my best but if it wins, it wins, and I'm sorry if I do that I'll update with a LOTR one ASAP.  
  
Sauron/Morgoth  
  
Legolas/Haldir  
  
Faramir/Boromir/Denethor  
  
Arwen/Glorfindel  
  
Glorfindel/Tom B/Goldberry  
  
Frodo/Gollum  
  
Gollum/Dobby  
  
Sauron/One Ring  
  
Faramir/PJ  
  
Legolas/Tharanduil  
  
Suggestions welcome, as always. And if you said that something was in another review, sorry, its not here, I don't have time, have limited time on the computer right now.  
  
Also, another idea I got, sort of inspired by a reviewer. You could choose a character and 'correspond with them' through me..I don't know how well that would work, but if you have something to say 'bout it, go ahead.  
  
Hope you liked it, wasn't one of my best, but I did my best.  
  
Love to all!  
  
Incurelf 


	14. The Disfunctional Family of Gondor

I'm back! I've been super busy lately with loads of sctuff, but I got a chance to do something and here I am...updating. The direct correspondence idea is out, sorry, but it won't work, although I will take other suggestions, as always.  
  
I won't give personal replies to everybody, sorry, but I have limited time. sigh  
  
If you have not seen or read ROTK, THIS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS, SO CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK, though I'm sure everyone's seen, if not read it already. grin  
  
This chapter features that oh so lovely dysfunctional family from Gondor, Boromir (deceased), Faramir, and Denethor. This won 1 vote, Legolas/Haldir getting 3, and Boromir/Faramir/Denethor getting 4. Please vote from the list or give your own suggestions. If you have voted in other reviews, I'm sorry, but if you don't list all of your votes they WILL NOT BE COUNTED. I don't have time to go through and find everyone's votes.  
  
On to the fic.  
  
****************************  
  
Sometime in the trilogy...  
  
Dear Dad [Denethor],  
  
I just arrived in Rivendell today. It sucks. Why did you have to send me? I'm surrounded by smug, poncy elves, half of whom are cross dressers! I mean, come on, they so stole that from us. Besides, there's some Ranger of the North kinda guy who won't tell me his name, but he's Mithrandir's friend. And he smells, so I don't trust him. Please advise.  
  
Your loving son,  
  
Boromir  
  
PS: Why couldn't you send my brother???? It would get him out of your way! Please send him! Please?? He could get the ring and I could come back and defend our country! Please? Please! I demand it! Please! Please please please Dad I hate elves they're really-message truncated  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Any luck with Father? I wrote him too, but I have the suspicion that he burned it. In any case, the only reply I got was an envelope of ashes, so either he died and those are his ashes, or he burned the letter. Did you try to convince him to send me in your stead? It's sooo boring here, you have no idea. I sit around, get insulted, go try and prove myself, almost get killed, and come back and get insulted again. It's really dull. Good luck!  
  
Your brother,  
  
Faramir  
  
PS: Dude, are the elves cool? Any chicks there?  
  
Dearest Boromir,  
  
I am sorry, but I cannot allow your brother to go to Rivendell. If I send him Elrond and Mithrandir will never forgive me. The last time Mithrandir visited, Faramir, well, quite embarrassed me. Dyed Mithrandir's robes hot pink and put sequins all over. I must say, he does look good in pink, though...it's too bad he's not Gandalf the Pink.  
  
Anyway, must dash, Saruman's on the Palantir. Again. Stupid wizard. Can't live without me for a minute...not that I blame him.  
  
Your loving father,  
  
Denethor  
  
Some time in ROTK...  
  
Dearest Father,  
  
I regret to inform you that I was killed several weeks ago by some butt-ugly Uruk-Hai. Please accept my regrets and pass them along to my brother.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
You're DEAD?  
  
Love, Faramir  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
It would seem so.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dearest Boromir,  
  
No! I hate your brother! How could you do this to me? I hate you! I hate you all! Tell your brother that he should've gone to Rivendell!  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
Umm, Dad hates you. He just wanted you to know.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Tell Dad I hate him, too.  
  
Love, Faramir  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Faramir hates you, too.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Good.  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
Dad says, 'good'.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Tell Dad to go to Tartarus.  
  
Love, Faramir  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Faramir says to go to Tartarus.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Ask Faramir where in hell Tartarus is.  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
Dad wants to know where in hell Tartarus is.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Tartarus is located on the opposite side of the Styx.  
  
Love, Faramir  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Faramir says Tartarus is located on the opposite side of the Styx.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Has Faramir been watching "Xena: Warrior Princess" again?  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
Have you been watching "Xena: Warrior Princess" again?  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Umm...no?  
  
Love, Faramir  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
You liar.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Fine, fine, I've been watching "Xena"!  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
Cool! Could you get copies of your dvds for me?  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Why haven't you answered my letter???  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Yes, Faramir's been watching "Xena" again.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
How can you write us if you're dead?  
  
Love, Faramir  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Faramir says, 'how can you write us if you're dead?'.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
I'm not dead!  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Father,  
  
You're not??  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Boromir,  
  
Faramir was talking to you!  
  
Love, Denethor  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Oh.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Dear Faramir,  
  
I don't know how I can write, but I can.  
  
Love, Boromir  
  
Boromir, son of Denethor:  
  
We have received notice from one Aragorn, son of Arathorn, that you have been corresponding with Faramir, son of Denethor, and Denethor, son of Ecthelion. Unfortunately, this is against regulations and we must insist that you cease.  
  
Sincerely, the Valar  
  
Obviously Boromir stopped writing, Faramir and Denethor only got more pissed off at each other (Faramir wouldn't share his "Xena" dvds and Denethor was bored) and, well, you know what happens...  
  
VOTE AND REVIEW!  
  
Faramir / PJ  
  
Glorfindel / Tom Bombadil / Goldberry  
  
Legolas / Haldir  
  
Frodo / Gollum  
  
Sauron / One Ring  
  
Frodo / Sam  
  
Legolas / Thranduil  
  
Gollum / Dobby  
  
Arwen / Glorfindel  
  
And, as always, suggestions are always welcome.  
  
Incurelf 


End file.
